You know how you paid attention to your grandfather’s little personal habits and thought to yourself, wow that’s pretty quirky. Usually old people’s quirky translates easily to endearing. You probably wondered just how those habits were formed, and assumed that old people did things in strange ways long before you were born, and Grandpa is just still doing those same things today in a cute, anachronistic way.
Bullshit.
I’ll tell you how it happens, because it’s happening to me at the ripe old age of 40.
I mentioned last year to Nikki that I started to buy these containers of two hard boiled eggs, with cheese and crackers from the cafeteria at work and eat them for breakfast. I noted that I wasn’t as hungry for lunch because the eggs kept me a little fuller than just fruit would. Pretty logical, an astute observation about my caloric intake and appetite. I didn’t see any of the danger signs because a man in his thirties is still young and virile.
A year later though, as a man in his forties who has been doing the same thing most mornings for over a year now, I now realize I’m already on the slippery slope of Quirky Old Grandpa Courtney and picking up speed. It’s too late for me now, even if I stopped doing that egg thing immediately. I am conditioned now. If I went cold turkey I would be grumpy and hungry well before lunchtime. If I changed customers (no doubt that will happen eventually) I would probably spend some time looking around for options to keep buying my hard boiled eggs in the morning at the new customer location. If I couldn’t find anything I would probably start making my own and bringing them. That’s the kiss of death right there. The amount of effort and energy I would expend to keep that habit as close as possible to the SAME would increase. The defining criteria of old people as I recall from my 8,9,10 year old eyes was that they like everything to be exactly the SAME. The catch is that I have spent 40 years now trying to develop good habits. The problem is that after 40 habits just become doing things the SAME.
The only thing that separates me from Grandpa now is when I do the same damn thing I’m just weird, and I don’t have the benefit of being really old and also OCD. Cause that’s just cute, instead of what I am now. Which is just weird.
So, the threshold of old is defined by the new desire to maintain habits that require increasing amounts of energy to maintain, which make no sense to people who have not yet crossed the threshold. All I can do is to shout advice from the other side of the threshold back to the young people. Who will ignore me because from their side of the threshold I’m just cute old Courtney, clutching his eggs and waving his arms and yelling adorably in his old man way; something about cassette tapes and rotary dial phones.
Did you enjoy your eggs and crackers today honey? (pause) … I said, DID YOU ENJOY YOUR EGGS AND CRACKERS TODAY?!?!?!?… (pause) … DID YOU… oh forget it… I’m sending my love.
Oh my god, you are such a jerk.
Geez, shoe is on the other foot now, isn’t it Court??? Well done Nik!!!
You two are mocking my genuine attempt to share and reveal a part of myself.
I truly appreciate your sharing a part of yourself, Court. In fact, it was so entertaining, I honestly hope you’ll share even more parts of yourself . . . Allow me to rephrase that: I hope you’ll share more stories about your weirdness. And I encourage you to embrace and celebrate your weird, quirky self.
In the spirit of sharing, I will make a confession about my own carefully honed & bizarre but (hopefully) endearing practices that might also qualify as old person quirkiness. Naturally, most of them have a cheapness crossover:
I keep a stash of tea bags in my purse: Earl Grey, white & green, English breakfast; all my favourites. That way I only have to pay for a cup of hot water. What kind of crazy person pays $2 for a tea bag?!
I buy most food items only when they are on sale. The kids know to look for the special tags on the grocery aisle shelves. During one Safeway trip Eyvi wanted those tasty Special K crackers but they weren’t on sale. With beads of perspiration forming on my brow I gave in and said okay to the overpriced snack. He actually jumped up and cheered. I felt kinda bad about it. And then I made a mental note to buy 10 boxes next time they’re on sale.
When the kids come home with their school portrait order form I always opt for the cheapest package, that way they get their class picture but I don’t have to pay inflated prices for dozens of prints of the head shot (which, let’s be honest, is never very good anyway). Besides, there’s a loophole: You get your kid’s image electronically⎯you can print as many copies as you want.
Theatres incite a special kind of panic for cheap people. You have likely already taken out a small loan just to pay for the tickets⎯then you have to continuing paying ridiculous prices if you want a snack and heavily watered-down beverage. I always bring along a purse that’s big enough to hide our pre-purchased snacks but not so big as to rouse suspicion. It’s a delicate balance.
When I eat lunch at the U of W I always order the Thai rice bowl to go. If you say you’re eating on site they serve it on a plate and, subsequently, you get a much smaller portion but you pay the same price; it’s an outrage.
Sometimes I buy children’s clothing⎯for myself. There’s no tax and the prices are always more reasonable. I’ve had loads of compliments on the jeans I found in the children’s department at Sears. I fit a size 14 perfectly and I never have to pay to have anything hemmed or tucked. You can’t do this with every item of clothing⎯I avoid anything that features a Hello Kitty or Strawberry Shortcake image⎯but with tank tops and sweats and jeans you’d never know the difference.
I guess this turned into a cheap person rant. But all of my cheap habits require a great deal of energy and I have a very unpleasant visceral reaction if I can’t uphold these practices. Occasionally Jason tells me I’ve “out-Morphyed†my dad; he’d be so proud.
Well, in a few short years, when we find ourselves in the nursing home, I promise to do what I can to arrange for full-sized rice bowls and hard boiled eggs with cheese and crackers to be served every day.
Incidentally, I am getting not one but two ‘new’ rotary phones for Christmas. It was supposed to be a surprise from my mother-in-law but my sister-in-law couldn’t contain her excitement. She found them on Kijiji⎯people are practically giving them away; can you believe it? I have one already but the wiring is so antiquated I can’t hook it up. Jason said that now all I need is a time machine to go back to the time when people used rotary phones. Smart ass.