I do not speak for all Vallentynes. That would be foolish, unwise, unfair, unjust and just plain old tiring. We are a diverse bunch, as far as Scottish Canadians with a lot of red hair in the bloodlines get. Ok, so we are probably diverse in nature more than appearance, but just follow along here today, ok? I speak actually for a certain strain of Vallentyne, a unique flavour of Vallentyne. The kind of Vallentyne I’m talking about today is the Vallentyne that grimaces when they work hard.
It’s probably a genetic thing, a DNA encoded quirk that some of us are lucky enough to have (I said lucky, dammit). If you have it, you know what I am talking about; it’s there as natural as breathing, as compulsory as a closed-eye sneeze, the reflex to snarl or open and close your jaw as you work hard with your hands.
I decided to not take a selfie to demonstrate this, for obvious reasons. It’s not pretty. It can only be described as a silent scream in defiance of the task at hand, without which the work is just not done. When you see a Vallentyne snarling while scrubbing, shoveling, lifting, scraping, tightening, or just generally getting all up in some job’s face, you know shit is getting real. It’s going down. That job doesn’t know what hit it. It’s not a fair fight, really. Not every job requires it, but in the right hands it’s a powerful tool.
Tonight as I contemplated writing this, I was working around the house, snarling periodically. One thing became clear though, it’s not always an advantage. This fact came to me as I realized that I had to exert a considerable amount of control to close my damn mouth while I scrubbed the toilet. The added closed-mouth handicap added at least 10 minutes to that job, which made me think that Vallentyne Work Bandanas would be a thing that might be useful to a small, specific bunch of fine, mouth-breathing, hardworking folks.