{"id":2769,"date":"2012-05-09T12:08:36","date_gmt":"2012-05-09T16:08:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.vallentyne.com\/blog\/?p=2769"},"modified":"2012-05-09T12:08:36","modified_gmt":"2012-05-09T16:08:36","slug":"finally-parenting-made-easy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.vallentyne.com\/blog\/2012\/05\/09\/finally-parenting-made-easy\/","title":{"rendered":"Finally, Parenting Made Easy."},"content":{"rendered":"

Parenting is hard.\u00c2\u00a0 There are so many possible ways that you can screw up, it’s a gauntlet of therapy-inducing phobias that you can pass on to your kids\u00c2\u00a0that will really mess them up forever.\u00c2\u00a0 Some parents try to avoid these pitfalls, but really it’s only a matter of time before your kids will just find one on their own and latch on, riding that sucker right through to middle-age or later until they (maybe) finally address it with some aggressive shock therapy in a grungy abandoned hospital basement in New Jersey with a “Doctor” they found on the net.\u00c2\u00a0 Or something like that.<\/p>\n

Or you can just shortcut all that crap, and just give your kids pant-shitting fears of your own choosing.\u00c2\u00a0 A lot faster, easier and then there’s none of that constant worrying.\u00c2\u00a0 It’s pretty attractive, you have to admit.\u00c2\u00a0 Anyway, that’s the kind of thinking that I assume has gone into this awesome company:\u00c2\u00a0 Evil Birthday Clown<\/a><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Essentially, you hire this guy who will dress as an evil clown and STALK your child for a week.\u00c2\u00a0 He will send menacing text messages, set traps, make phone calls to your child, and generally make damn sure your kid will ALWAYS remember what their worst fear is.\u00c2\u00a0 The game of it all is he is trying to hit your kid in the face with a pie (of dubious origin).\u00c2\u00a0 If your kid manages to avoid 1) getting hit with the pie and 2) becoming a raving gibbering lunatic, why then the clown will give your child the pie.\u00c2\u00a0 Sounds like a GREAT birthday.<\/p>\n

What in the ever-loving world would make you do this to ANYONE, let alone one of your own kids?\u00c2\u00a0 (Lockrey excluded)\u00c2\u00a0 This is some scary messed up shit right here.<\/p>\n

Thanks Boing Boing<\/a>, for warning me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Parenting is hard.\u00c2\u00a0 There are so many possible ways that you can screw up, it’s a gauntlet of therapy-inducing phobias that you can pass on to your kids\u00c2\u00a0that will really mess them up forever.\u00c2\u00a0 Some parents try to avoid these … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2770,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3,6],"tags":[353],"class_list":["post-2769","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-culture","category-stupidity","tag-pennywise-you-old-scoundrel"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.vallentyne.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/05\/evil-clown.jpg","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/piGNU-IF","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.vallentyne.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2769","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.vallentyne.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.vallentyne.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.vallentyne.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.vallentyne.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2769"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.vallentyne.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2769\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2773,"href":"https:\/\/www.vallentyne.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2769\/revisions\/2773"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.vallentyne.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2770"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.vallentyne.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2769"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.vallentyne.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2769"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.vallentyne.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2769"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}